Timing fail

Months ago I was alerted by a friend to a job opening at a leading policy think tank. It was a short-term researcher position in the field of governance, and the job description explicitly stated that the role would involve frequent travel. I immediately handed in my cv, writing samples and references because I thought the job was heaps awesome.

I didn't hear from them for a long while and so I readily assumed they just weren't interested. Tonight however, I received an SMS from the Executive Director asking if I am still available for a "short-term (30-day) full-time research work which could parlay into something longer term". Sigh. This offer couldn't have come at a worse time - not when I just committed to another research job that might possibly start next month.

It just sucks exceedingly that I would have to pass up on this opportunity, seeing as the position would have been a fantastic springboard for a career in research and policy work. Also, virtually ANY job which involves a good deal of travelling is difficult to pass up. This think tank is also a highly reputable one and the Executive Director is a man I hold in great esteem (I know him from my government stint years ago), which made it all the more hard for me to text back and let them know that I was turning down the offer. Had they only contacted me last month I would've been able to accept the job, but alas, I was never one to be favoured by timing.

Anyway, that's a lost battle now and all I can do is just move forward and prep myself for the upcoming chapter in my volatile working life. Besides, I realise that accepting the offer would've sidetracked me slightly as it focusses on a different area of research. When I think about it, the new job (the one that starts next month) does sound like an excellent deal after all as it is really in line with my background and career goals. Another thing - I think ultimately it is really what I want to do in life, and surely that should count for something, shouldn't it?

I should really just suck it up and be thankful.

Seulement je peux vous dire que j’ai senti en même temps la joie et la tristesse. Mais pas trop de tristesse. Parce que je me sentais vivante.

Tonight I just saw Paris Je T'aime, a movie comprised of 18 short films shot in the different arrondissements of the city of Paris. The film has received mixed reviews, although I personally thought it was a gorgeous piece of cinema. Not all 18 shorts are impressive though, but a good handful of them are quite outstanding. The Feist song (We're All in the Dance) played at the end credits was lovely.

Incidentally, some of my favourite segments from the movie were also directed by my favourite filmmakers (Tykwer, Payne and Van Sant).

1. Faubourg Saint-Denis by Tom Tykwer. This short blew me away so much that it is still rolling around my head as we speak. I have very deep respect for Tykwer and his genius. I remember back in college I bailed on my niece's (she also happens to be my goddaughter) birthday party to attend a Tom Tykwer Movie Marathon. I ended up watching Run Lola Run, Wintersleepers and The Princess and the Warrior all in a single day, but I did not ever regret it. I have also had the fortune of seeing Heaven which was based on a Kieslowski screenplay and starred Cate Blanchett and Giovanni Ribisi.

Anyway, Tykwer has this to say about this short: "[It] symbolises an entire life for me, in just ten minutes." Natalie Portman turned in a good performance in this one. Up to now I am still pondering what to make of the last scene when the guy goes No, I see you. Yes, a seven-minute film has officially left a dent in me and shook my soul.



2. 14e arrondissement by Alexander Payne. Payne just changed my life last week with Sideways. With this short, he has clearly outdone himself.

The segment is about a middle-aged American lady travelling by herself for the first time in Europe and in her heavily-accented French (she is learning French and reciting this story in her French class), she delivers a soliloquy on Paris and living her life alone. The last scene where she experiences an epiphany whilst sitting on a park bench stirred me in a way no other film has before. It reminded me so much of how I, on countless occasions, also found myself seated on some random public bench overseas whilst munching on a sandwich and contemplating life - alone. The lady's words gripped me:

Sitting there, alone in a foreign country, far from my job and everyone I know, a feeling came over me. It was like remembering something I’d never known before or had always been waiting for, but I didn’t know what. Maybe it was something I’d forgotten or something I’ve been missing all my life. All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness. But not too much sadness, because I felt alive. Yes, alive.



3. Tour Eiffel by French animator Sylvain Chomet. Lighthearted and fun. A young boy talks about how his mime parents met at a prison. The ending is precious.



4. Quais de Seine by Paul Mayeda Berges and Gurinder Chadha. I liked this bit because of its high school charm. There's not much to the short really, but the leads were cute and I've always had a thing for high school-ish romances.



5. Le Marais by Gus Van Sant. Gaspard Ulliel stars in this segment. He tries to convince this taciturn boy that they might be soulmates, but in the end it is revealed that the boy speaks no French and thus did not understand his entire speech.



6. Pere-Lachaise by Wes Craven. Set in a cemetery, the ghost of Oscar Wilde (Alexander Payne in a cameo) appears to Rufus Sewell and gives him advice on how to win back Emily Mortimer.

7. Bastille by Isabel Coixet. A man who is about to leave his wife (Miranda Richardson) for a much younger woman (Leonor Watling) rekindles his love for her after he discovers she is afflicted with a terminal disease. This story is extremely similar to a Facebook story I read recently.

A very general update

Listening to:
- Charmparticles' Alive in the Hot Spell
- Cocteau Twins' Heaven or Las Vegas
- The Very Best of the Smiths
- Andrew Bird's Complete Discography
- The New Pornographers' Electric Version
- Still cannot get enough of Death Cab's Cath... (This song is a drug - I really do have to listen to it daily)

Went to:
This year's Fete dela Musique. Not too many new musical discoveries, except for a couple of decent electronica acts. At least this year I was able to establish that my musical preferences have indeed evolved and I am now leaning more towards electronic music (I really wasn't paying much attention to the music coming from the alternative stage that night). I realise I am also reverting to my dream pop/shoegaze/space rock phase - been listening heavily to Asobi Seksu, Cocteau Twins, Azure Ray, School of Seven Bells, Charmparticles and The Pains of Being Pure at Heart recently.

Reading:
Still finishing Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. The book is divided into three sections - Italy, India and Indonesia. I hope to organise a trip to India in the short term so I can be able to fully relate to Gilbert's travel experiences.

Recently viewed movies:
- Sideways: Loved every second of it. I've decided I want to be a wine connoisseur like Paul Giamatti's character - I have always been fascinated with wines anyway. I hold very fond memories of wine and it has truly played an integral role in making many of my overseas trips very awesome. I love how the flavours dance in my mouth and how I get a more refined kind of buzz with it (whilst I always end up talking like a truck driver with beer). Now I'm seriously bent on enrolling myself in a Wine Appreciation class, nevermind if it will set me back by a fair bit of money (it is for a very good cause anyway). The day trip to the Hunter Valley two years ago did teach me a number of vital lessons on wine-tasting and wine-making but I'd really like to be able to identify the different varieties and deconstruct the ingredients as expertly as Paul Giamatti and Virginia Madsen in the movie. Sigh...would really give anything to be in Napa Valley or Bordeaux at the moment.

- Love in the Time of Cholera: Javier Bardem is king. I enjoyed his performances immensely in No Country for Old Men and Mar Adentro, and he was equally brilliant in this one as well. I must admit though that I did get slightly confused since they suddenly changed actors for the Florentino Ariza character mid-movie (the younger Florentino was heaps more gorgeous than Javier Bardem, thus the slight confusion).

- The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: Poetic and deeply stirring. It was a veritable visual feast from beginning to end. Incidentally, Julian Schnabel has an ongoing exhibit at the National Museum and I will not be able to forgive myself if I miss it.

- Say Anything & Pretty in Pink: They seriously do not make rom-coms like they used to anymore.

Downloading these other films as well:
- Vicky Cristina Barcelona
- Synecdoche, New York

Very stoked to:
- See the temples of Borobodur.
- Meet Sec-Gen Pitsuwan. I really do have to stop being a massive slug and start doing some serious reading soon, lest he find me horrendously dumb and uninformed and we will be reduced to talking about the weather.
- Get away. By myself.
- Reconnect with Indo friends.
- Attend my friend's wedding. My roommie will also be in town for a 10-day vacay.
- Start my new job. Not at liberty to discuss details yet, but am really keeping fingers crossed on this one.

And I could see our days were becoming nights/I could feel your heartbeat across the grass

And so it has been a year. Tanti auguri. On the eve of your birthday last year you made me bruschetta and some lovely pasta and we shared a bottle of red wine. Our dessert came straight out of a box but I couldn't care less. I miss you, nearly everything about you - your cockiness, our endless conversations about wine and Italian food, the smug look on your face, how you always mumble and I hardly understand what you say. And the way you look at me - no one has ever made me feel so adored. I have long stopped keeping tabs on you, but you still manage to creep into my thoughts every once in a while. You were my favourite out of all the rest.

It's Fete dela Musique again. I recall some three or four years ago I left Fete happy as a lark.

As J.M. Barrie said, God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December.

Porque ya sabes que me encantan esas cosas/que no importa si es muy tonto/soy así

I am not a happy camper. My hormones are all over the place. I feel like a blimp, or as Juno would put it - I am a planet. I am at my fugliest too. Right now I am concurrently The Most Inadequate Person In The World as well.

Consuming a horrifying amount of chocolate did not even help at all. I now eat thrice the amount of food I used to have when I was sick, but I think it only exacerbates the situation further. But how can I help it if I am always starving and having terribly bad cravings for sweets?

Being hormonal along with the depression bit of CFS do not a good combination make. Whilst listening to music does help me deal with things a bit better, then again it can only do so much. Now even imagined (or real - My sense of reality is quite skewed at the moment) transgressions commited by people I once held dear make me go to pieces. This past week has truly been a maelstrom of sadness, but I told myself to only be crestfallen about it for a couple of days at most. Being emo for extended periods of time gets old really quick anyways. Molly Ringwald could not have said it better in Pretty in Pink - I just want them to know that they didn't break me.

Last night I went out to have a couple of drinks by myself and it felt glorious. After all, there are things that you will only be able to sort out when can hear yourself think. Afterwards I hung out with a handful of friends who were prepared to accept the me that I am right now - a very hormonal girl with issues who eats like there is no tomorrow. And I can only show that flawed and human side of myself to very few people in this world.

I just need some time to regroup and I will be back to regular programming shortly.

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

- Sylvia Plath