I have repeatedly listened to these awesome songs in the past few days:
1. Help I'm Alive by Metric
2. All the Wine by The National
3. Requiem for O.M.M.2 by Of Montreal
4. I Still Remember by Bloc Party
5. Heart by Stars
So much good music, so little time.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire
1. He would always read me his poems over the phone, very late at night. I remember having to go out to our terrace just to hear him, as reception still wasn't that good back in the day. Once he read me something too beautiful that I found myself closing my eyes, almost inhaling the words.
2. We would always chat with each other online for hours, but offline our relationship was awkward. He would laugh at everything, and all his sentences were punctuated with chuckles. I resolved one day to stop talking to him altogether because I eventually got sick of his diverting all conversations to the topic of this girl he was in love with. I told him that was the last time he'd ever hear from me, and he hurriedly typed Ti voglio bene before I logged off.
3. We were walking hand in hand in a very dark mountain resort. It was nearly winter and it was a very chilly night. He pulled me close to him and kissed me, then he started shivering. He was convulsing with cold and asked if we could come inside my room so he could turn on the heater. He turned to me and asked, Is this the effect you have on men?
4. He would lend me books and DVDs of arthouse films. He lent me his Griffin and Sabine series, and I innocently mentioned to him that I absolutely loved one of the postcards. I borrowed this movie off him one day, and when I opened the case to pop the DVD into the player I notice the postcard was tucked inside.
5. I was still in pajamas, hair rumpled, face unwashed. He was making me a lovely breakfast of pancakes and bacon and I was watching him cook in the kitchen. He stares at me for a good few seconds and I hear him mutter I'm crazy about you under his breath.
6. He and I challenged each other to a drinking contest, and we finished a bottle of vodka in less than an hour. We both passed out on his bed, and then at some stage ended up kissing under the covers. It was surreal, and all very hazy. That night wrecked our friendship and things never reverted to what they used to be before.
7. He and I were at our usual meeting place. I was getting worried because I had to get home soon. Out of nowhere, a massive fireworks display went off. I was in complete awe, captivated like a child. I would squeeze his hand everytime the fireworks would form pretty images in the sky. It turns out the pyrotechnics were part of the US Embassy's 4th of July celebration.
8. I was home alone again as my flatmate had been sleeping over at her boyfriend's for nearly a week. I was aching for company. It was past midnight and I asked him to pop by, and he took a cab just to get to my flat. He asked if I wanted to take a walk, and we went around my quiet neighbourhood for an hour or so while having a very good conversation.
9. We were on holidays and having breakfast with other friends. I had absolutely no appetite that day, and he was convincing me to even just take a few bites of my food. I don't know how it happened, but we just began to hold hands under the table.
2. We would always chat with each other online for hours, but offline our relationship was awkward. He would laugh at everything, and all his sentences were punctuated with chuckles. I resolved one day to stop talking to him altogether because I eventually got sick of his diverting all conversations to the topic of this girl he was in love with. I told him that was the last time he'd ever hear from me, and he hurriedly typed Ti voglio bene before I logged off.
3. We were walking hand in hand in a very dark mountain resort. It was nearly winter and it was a very chilly night. He pulled me close to him and kissed me, then he started shivering. He was convulsing with cold and asked if we could come inside my room so he could turn on the heater. He turned to me and asked, Is this the effect you have on men?
4. He would lend me books and DVDs of arthouse films. He lent me his Griffin and Sabine series, and I innocently mentioned to him that I absolutely loved one of the postcards. I borrowed this movie off him one day, and when I opened the case to pop the DVD into the player I notice the postcard was tucked inside.
5. I was still in pajamas, hair rumpled, face unwashed. He was making me a lovely breakfast of pancakes and bacon and I was watching him cook in the kitchen. He stares at me for a good few seconds and I hear him mutter I'm crazy about you under his breath.
6. He and I challenged each other to a drinking contest, and we finished a bottle of vodka in less than an hour. We both passed out on his bed, and then at some stage ended up kissing under the covers. It was surreal, and all very hazy. That night wrecked our friendship and things never reverted to what they used to be before.
7. He and I were at our usual meeting place. I was getting worried because I had to get home soon. Out of nowhere, a massive fireworks display went off. I was in complete awe, captivated like a child. I would squeeze his hand everytime the fireworks would form pretty images in the sky. It turns out the pyrotechnics were part of the US Embassy's 4th of July celebration.
8. I was home alone again as my flatmate had been sleeping over at her boyfriend's for nearly a week. I was aching for company. It was past midnight and I asked him to pop by, and he took a cab just to get to my flat. He asked if I wanted to take a walk, and we went around my quiet neighbourhood for an hour or so while having a very good conversation.
9. We were on holidays and having breakfast with other friends. I had absolutely no appetite that day, and he was convincing me to even just take a few bites of my food. I don't know how it happened, but we just began to hold hands under the table.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Life, work, friendships
Yesterday I was finally let go from work. My Team Lead (and good friend) and I reached a mutual agreement to just end my consulting engagement immediately and not stick to the prescribed 30-day notice stipulated in my contract anymore. She had a word with the Manila Office Director and thank goodness he was fine with it.
I profusely thank my Team Lead for arranging for this to happen. I was only staying on because of her, really. Well, I guess it was difficult not to turn a blind eye to the fact that my productivity was heavily affected by my condition, and she had a good chat with me about it. In the end I admitted that even the simplest project reports took me ages to write. While working, I always get distracted like anything, and it has become a chore for me to concentrate and compose my thoughts. I hardly am able to make sense of the stuff I read, and I find that when chatting or texting with friends and family there are significant details that I fail to pick up. In short, I am not as sharp as I used to be. This gets me all sad of course, as my livelihood is wholly dependent on my mental faculties. However, I resolve to approach this proactively and do something about it - I promised myself that by next week I should already be reading a full-length novel and the daily paper...small baby steps until I get back to my old self.
If there was something good that came out of my very brief stint with that company, it would have to be, hands down, the awesome people that I met and managed to be friends with. It amazes me how I successfully became friends with a good number of people in a span of only two months. Throughout that period I have hung out with an insanely funny, warm and intelligent lot. I was also pleasantly surprised to have met people who have discriminating taste in music, books and movies - it has been my life mission to find people who like the same things, and so this makes me very euphoric. On my last night I had drinks with these mates at work and it was wild fun. Alcohol truly does bring people together. Even in my drunken stupor I made it a point to talk to everyone and give them hugs. I sorely miss those guys.
I'm really a trooper when it comes to friendship, and just thinking about friends leaves me feeling all warm and fuzzy. This dark phase in my life has truly caught me offguard, but the overwhelming support of family and friends has helped me get by. Everyone was exceedingly supportive of my decision to quit my job, especially the parental units. Oh if I had a dollar for everytime someone wished me to get well soon, I would be made for life.
I profusely thank my Team Lead for arranging for this to happen. I was only staying on because of her, really. Well, I guess it was difficult not to turn a blind eye to the fact that my productivity was heavily affected by my condition, and she had a good chat with me about it. In the end I admitted that even the simplest project reports took me ages to write. While working, I always get distracted like anything, and it has become a chore for me to concentrate and compose my thoughts. I hardly am able to make sense of the stuff I read, and I find that when chatting or texting with friends and family there are significant details that I fail to pick up. In short, I am not as sharp as I used to be. This gets me all sad of course, as my livelihood is wholly dependent on my mental faculties. However, I resolve to approach this proactively and do something about it - I promised myself that by next week I should already be reading a full-length novel and the daily paper...small baby steps until I get back to my old self.
If there was something good that came out of my very brief stint with that company, it would have to be, hands down, the awesome people that I met and managed to be friends with. It amazes me how I successfully became friends with a good number of people in a span of only two months. Throughout that period I have hung out with an insanely funny, warm and intelligent lot. I was also pleasantly surprised to have met people who have discriminating taste in music, books and movies - it has been my life mission to find people who like the same things, and so this makes me very euphoric. On my last night I had drinks with these mates at work and it was wild fun. Alcohol truly does bring people together. Even in my drunken stupor I made it a point to talk to everyone and give them hugs. I sorely miss those guys.
I'm really a trooper when it comes to friendship, and just thinking about friends leaves me feeling all warm and fuzzy. This dark phase in my life has truly caught me offguard, but the overwhelming support of family and friends has helped me get by. Everyone was exceedingly supportive of my decision to quit my job, especially the parental units. Oh if I had a dollar for everytime someone wished me to get well soon, I would be made for life.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Opening a can of worms
Lesson learnt: do not wiki the illness you are afflicted with unless you are prepared to accept what it would tell you. When I got to the bit that said "six months", I began to sob uncontrollably that my tears blurred my vision and I couldn't go on reading. When I finally got a hold of myself, I decided to SMS my good friend who is a medical doctor to ask him to confirm the veracity of this wiki article.
I managed to finish reading the whole wiki entry at some point, but with each paragraph I was being crushed more and more. It was too spot on that it actually got scary. Those are all of MY symptoms, for crying out loud.
Then my phone started to ring and it was him, my MD friend that I had consulted earlier. Apparently he had already flipped through his textbook to revisit that very short bit on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He proceeded to interrogate me about my symptoms and asked me to give him my abridged medical history, in typical doctor fashion. We had a very good talk and he was able to knock some sense into this very stupid head. He balanced his dual role of being a physician and my good friend throughout the conversation, and I love him to pieces for it - even if it meant having to berate me for blindly believing what fricken Wikipedia had to say about my sickness. Well, in such uncontrollable surges of emotion one is likely to forget that Wikipedia is not exactly the most reliable fount of knowledge around.
At this point in time, I just really want to have my life back. I'm very, very tired as it is.
I managed to finish reading the whole wiki entry at some point, but with each paragraph I was being crushed more and more. It was too spot on that it actually got scary. Those are all of MY symptoms, for crying out loud.
Then my phone started to ring and it was him, my MD friend that I had consulted earlier. Apparently he had already flipped through his textbook to revisit that very short bit on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He proceeded to interrogate me about my symptoms and asked me to give him my abridged medical history, in typical doctor fashion. We had a very good talk and he was able to knock some sense into this very stupid head. He balanced his dual role of being a physician and my good friend throughout the conversation, and I love him to pieces for it - even if it meant having to berate me for blindly believing what fricken Wikipedia had to say about my sickness. Well, in such uncontrollable surges of emotion one is likely to forget that Wikipedia is not exactly the most reliable fount of knowledge around.
At this point in time, I just really want to have my life back. I'm very, very tired as it is.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Cansancio
This will be my last health-related entry as the topic has already gotten old.
I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome yesterday. Doc says I've also got some prominent lymph nodes and that should be cause for concern. Tomorrow they will take my blood sample because she suspects I may have some bacterial infection inhabiting my stupid body. I am deathly afraid of needles pricking into my veins and I am totally not looking forward to tomorrow.
I just feel so tired all the time. I sleep all day but when I wake up it feels like I hardly slept a wink. Even standing up for a few minutes leaves me tired. I get throbbing muscle spasms and thus walking has also become quite difficult.
When I came in to work yesterday to hand in my resignation, I had to feign I was okay so that my last day would at least go down as a happy one. Internally though, my muscles were waging a war against me and it wasn't very pretty.
I distract myself by listening to insane amounts of music. I've just finished putting together a playlist of 90's songs, and I am considering doing other playlists as well (maybe an infinite 80's one and stuff for the brokenhearted). I don't know where I will be now if it were not for my music. Sickness could be such a bitch.
I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome yesterday. Doc says I've also got some prominent lymph nodes and that should be cause for concern. Tomorrow they will take my blood sample because she suspects I may have some bacterial infection inhabiting my stupid body. I am deathly afraid of needles pricking into my veins and I am totally not looking forward to tomorrow.
I just feel so tired all the time. I sleep all day but when I wake up it feels like I hardly slept a wink. Even standing up for a few minutes leaves me tired. I get throbbing muscle spasms and thus walking has also become quite difficult.
When I came in to work yesterday to hand in my resignation, I had to feign I was okay so that my last day would at least go down as a happy one. Internally though, my muscles were waging a war against me and it wasn't very pretty.
I distract myself by listening to insane amounts of music. I've just finished putting together a playlist of 90's songs, and I am considering doing other playlists as well (maybe an infinite 80's one and stuff for the brokenhearted). I don't know where I will be now if it were not for my music. Sickness could be such a bitch.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Tipping point
Last night I turned up to work thinking things will be heaps better. My raging fever was gone after all (but I was still nursing a lovely hacking cough that had the ability to wake the dead). Anyway, my earlier assumption was massively disproved. I found that I was still horribly disenchanted with work. For the most part of my shift I felt like vomitting my insides out. My muscles got all sore and very tight. I spent the whole night staring at my monitor instead, listless and exhausted like anything.
I think this is the end of the line for me. Life is too short to be spent doing things you don't really like very much. I was telling someone earlier that it was like getting stuck in a loveless marriage, and she laughed. I meant it though, and I still think that no situation in life should ever be even remotely compared to a loveless marriage. When that happens, it only means you have to make big, drastic and very adult decisions pronto to change the course of things or spend your life languishing away.
*****************************************************************
As of tonight I vow to only do the things that I'm wildly passionate about. If I have lukewarm feelings for anything, then I guess it only means it shouldn't even warrant an iota of my time. According to Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy, Michelangelo refused to accept fresco painting jobs even when he was down and out because sculpture was his one true passion. And Michelangelo would sculpt and carve for days on end, forgetting to eat and sleep as he was so consumed by his deep love for his art.
I want to find that too - I want to get lost in something that I love so purely and madly as well. Until I am able to work that out, I guess the only thing left to do is to stop pursuing what it is that makes me sick and unhappy.
I think this is the end of the line for me. Life is too short to be spent doing things you don't really like very much. I was telling someone earlier that it was like getting stuck in a loveless marriage, and she laughed. I meant it though, and I still think that no situation in life should ever be even remotely compared to a loveless marriage. When that happens, it only means you have to make big, drastic and very adult decisions pronto to change the course of things or spend your life languishing away.
*****************************************************************
As of tonight I vow to only do the things that I'm wildly passionate about. If I have lukewarm feelings for anything, then I guess it only means it shouldn't even warrant an iota of my time. According to Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy, Michelangelo refused to accept fresco painting jobs even when he was down and out because sculpture was his one true passion. And Michelangelo would sculpt and carve for days on end, forgetting to eat and sleep as he was so consumed by his deep love for his art.
I want to find that too - I want to get lost in something that I love so purely and madly as well. Until I am able to work that out, I guess the only thing left to do is to stop pursuing what it is that makes me sick and unhappy.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The week that was
As we speak I am convalescing from the flu. There's still vestiges of disease in my system and I am still coughing like a grandma but overall I think I am already on the way to full recovery. I was bedridden for a couple of days and that bored me to tears as I am not a big fan of TV watching and I lacked the minimum number of brain cells to be able to read properly. I was left with no other choice but to Facebook like mad to amuse myself and help me forget that I was immobile and useless.
I am still not very thrilled about work, but I have learnt to live with my demons. I met a girl in the office and she's also a newbie, and having her around helped make things at work a lot more tolerable. I eat and sleep better (relatively) now compared to last week and I am quite happy with the progress I am making.
Fridays are still the highlight of my week. A friend from Indonesia (with the most limpid and expressive eyes) was in town and we had dinner. He was the sweetest - brought me Mi Goreng and Gudang Garam and keychains and things. I also had nibbles and drinkies with girlfriends and that really helped cap a rather lackluster week.
I think for now my pattern will be auto-pilot mode Mondays to Thursdays - meaning I will merely go through the motions at work on those days. Fridays I will reserve for listening to The Cure and trying to be as sublimely happy as I can as I celebrate the end of another work-week and the promise of catching up with friends again.
I am still not very thrilled about work, but I have learnt to live with my demons. I met a girl in the office and she's also a newbie, and having her around helped make things at work a lot more tolerable. I eat and sleep better (relatively) now compared to last week and I am quite happy with the progress I am making.
Fridays are still the highlight of my week. A friend from Indonesia (with the most limpid and expressive eyes) was in town and we had dinner. He was the sweetest - brought me Mi Goreng and Gudang Garam and keychains and things. I also had nibbles and drinkies with girlfriends and that really helped cap a rather lackluster week.
I think for now my pattern will be auto-pilot mode Mondays to Thursdays - meaning I will merely go through the motions at work on those days. Fridays I will reserve for listening to The Cure and trying to be as sublimely happy as I can as I celebrate the end of another work-week and the promise of catching up with friends again.
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