Tipping point

Last night I turned up to work thinking things will be heaps better. My raging fever was gone after all (but I was still nursing a lovely hacking cough that had the ability to wake the dead). Anyway, my earlier assumption was massively disproved. I found that I was still horribly disenchanted with work. For the most part of my shift I felt like vomitting my insides out. My muscles got all sore and very tight. I spent the whole night staring at my monitor instead, listless and exhausted like anything.

I think this is the end of the line for me. Life is too short to be spent doing things you don't really like very much. I was telling someone earlier that it was like getting stuck in a loveless marriage, and she laughed. I meant it though, and I still think that no situation in life should ever be even remotely compared to a loveless marriage. When that happens, it only means you have to make big, drastic and very adult decisions pronto to change the course of things or spend your life languishing away.

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As of tonight I vow to only do the things that I'm wildly passionate about. If I have lukewarm feelings for anything, then I guess it only means it shouldn't even warrant an iota of my time. According to Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy, Michelangelo refused to accept fresco painting jobs even when he was down and out because sculpture was his one true passion. And Michelangelo would sculpt and carve for days on end, forgetting to eat and sleep as he was so consumed by his deep love for his art.

I want to find that too - I want to get lost in something that I love so purely and madly as well. Until I am able to work that out, I guess the only thing left to do is to stop pursuing what it is that makes me sick and unhappy.